UJ: Honor’s Custodians!
Hey guys, what’s up? My name is Rawan.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what exact topic to tackle. Then, I decided why not go with controversy and discuss what is expected of women in both Jordan and the U.S.A. Now, let’s talk about “basic Arab values” for a bit. A person’s “honor”, dignity, pride and reputation are extremely crucial. Arabs would almost do anything to protect their”honor”. Honor or “shame” is perceived as a whole, collective, and “anti-individuality” attribute that either “makes you” or “breaks you”. It is an enormous aspect that takes over Arab’s lives. It affects the entire family and the entire society. As if family and society are intact, intertwined and inseparable. Again, we are talking about Arabs here; anything that might seem to remotely jeopardize their “honor”, drastic measures are to take place. Loyalty for one’s family comes first. Priorities are already planned out for you. And by you, I mean the individual.
Well, every single word that I have mentioned earlier means nothing to me. It doesn’t make sense and quite honestly I don’t like it. I think an uptight sexist Arab dude made it all up and I’ll state the reasons why.
The word “honor”, shame only means one thing, and that is the women in the family. A sister, a wife, a daughter, a mother, even a female cosine. We have been discussing a variety of issues in our class on Women’s Studies with Professor Rula. One of the deep words that I could not keep off of my mind is the word “custodian”. How Arab women in the family, in society, are supposed to, expected to and hell, forced to be the “custodians” of the family’s honor. The word”shame” is inevitably entangled with the word “honor” as if both of these words are this gigantic knot that Arabs acknowledge but also ignore at the same time. Males enforce it. Women accept it without questioning. It is a social norm that pressures both males and females. Women try to live to other’s expectations instead of their own. They are scared of rejection, abuse, deprivation of education, stigmatization, marginalization, spinsterhood and most importantly murder. In other words “honor” killing.
My question to both the ladies and gentlemen is, do you think women in America are facing any kind of “social pressure”, a pinned down norm that is a wide spread epidemic such as the one in the “Arab world”? If so, do you think this pressure is somehow created by “man” to serve “man”?
Thank you for hearing me out. I hope you will find this both different and interesting.
Leave a reply
Hello, Rawan!
You raise some interesting and difficult questions. As for whether women in America are facing any kind of ‘social pressure’ like the pressure experienced in the Arab world, the only answer I can give you is my personal opinion. I cannot speak for all women, but to make a broad generalization, I would say no, they don’t experience it in the same way. American society does not place much emphasis on familial honor. Loyalty to one’s family does not always come first, and many Americans don’t belong to traditional families. Because so many families are disjointed, the concept of “bringing shame to one’s family” is sometimes difficult to understand. You also mentioned that Arab “family and society are intact, intertwined and inseparable.” I don’t often see this where I live.
As for “anti-individuality”, it is widely discouraged. Most of us are taught to be individuals—to live our own dreams, make our own decisions, and be whatever we want to be. As a woman, I am encouraged to be independent, strong-willed, and intelligent. I sincerely care about what my parents think about my decisions, but ultimately, I decide everything from my career choice to who I’ll marry. I have never heard the word “custodian” applied the situation you described, but it is interesting. It is difficult for me to see where American women are considered custodians of the family’s honor. Women in America have many of the same fears that you listed, like rejection, abuse, stigmatization, marginalization, and maybe spinsterhood, but to fear being deprived of education or being killed for the sake of your family’s honor is very, very unusual.
I guess my biggest dilemma in answering your questions is this: I cannot come up with a definition of a typical American woman. I cannot tell you something like, “this is how all American women behave” or “this is expected of all American women.” Just as you feel like you are an exception and all of the values you described mean nothing to you, there are many exceptions to all I stated above. There is no “pinned down norm” because of the huge amount of diversity in America.
My apologies for being so vague! I hope this helps, and if any more specific questions come up, please ask. Thanks for your questions.