UJ: Virginity, Honor & Perceptions
Marhaba everyone, I’m Hala, a junior studying English Literature at UJ and currently enrolled in an Arab Feminism class. The topic I’d like to discuss is the differences between how virginity is perceived in both the Arab World and USA.
I recall watching an episode of Dr. Phil featuring a man who he referred to as something along the lines of “the 43 year-old virgin”. The screen was full of surprised faces from the audience that gave off the impression that it was the most absurd thing they’d ever heard. The media has also done an undoubtedly good job at repeatedly emphasizing sex as a recurring theme in American high-school based movies and series which isn’t quite far from reality. Pre-marital sex is not looked down at in the USA; in fact, I’ve learned through discussions with American students that for many, it is the commitment they cringe away from seeking fun instead. Furthermore, parents willingly provide birth control when in complete contrast, in the Arab World, pre-marital sexual acts are highly disdained. As the norm goes, a requirement for a woman getting married is everything being intact “down there” and through that she is considered virtuous worthy of respect; messing around is almost never tolerated. Also, one’s sexual state is connected to the name of the family and its honor. A family with a stained reputation acquired by a family member’s choice to go against cultural norms may lead to disastrous outcomes (honor killings being the least of them.) On the lighter side though, we find a more organized relationship structure within the community especially with marriage as the building brick of a family and hence a society.
Although our cultures differ, in light of the growing number of unwanted teen-pregnancies and child abandonment rates, AIDS and other STDs; my questions to you are: Would you agree that stricter laws should be imposed against consensual sex for those under the age of 18? Also, how would you feel if you had to live in a country that prohibited sex outside wedlock? And finally do you believe that the Arab approach towards this issue is appropriate?
Please do ask if you have any questions.
Hala.
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Hi Hala, my name is Stephanie. I was born in Egypt, but have lived in the United States for the past 17 years. I have friends from numerous different ethnicities including American, Chinese, Italian, Hispanic, Arab, and Indian. My non-Arab friends practice a number of religions that range from Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Atheists, and Agnostics. My non-Arab friends are about my age (some a year or two younger or older), and I am twenty years old. Of my non-Arab friends, approximately 80% of them are not virgins. I also have a lot of Arab friends, Muslim and Christian, and every single one them is a virgin. Therefore, I would not say that virginity today corresponds with a particular religion, since my friends represent a variety of religions and my friends are also in varying degrees of devoutness. However, every single one of my friends from an Arab country, whether a devout or non-devout Muslim or a devout or non-devout Christian, refuses to practice in pre-marital sex. I believe that this is because from a young age, parents instill a sort of brain washing into their daughters that their virginity is their greatest gift and responsibility to keep. A girl’s virginity before marriage represents her self-worth and her family’s honor.
I believe that today, the United States, Europe, and other non-Arab countries have begun to reverse the ideology of virginity before marriage. What I mean, is that today, it is completely acceptable by most standards to be sexually active by a certain age, regardless of the type of relationship (casual or committed). Today, sex is a decision that is taken light-heartedly and does not have the consequences that it once had. With TV shows like Jersey Shore, sex can be just a one night stand with a complete stranger.
I don’t necessarily think that there should be a specific law prohibiting sex between two consensual minors, but I completely agree that parents, school, and the media should inform students of the traumatic outcomes (pregnancy, STD’s and emotional scarring) of casual sex.
I agree in the Arab’s point of view towards virginity until marriage to an extent. I agree that sex should be held off until marriage. However, I do not agree in “honor” killings. If a girl decides that she is ready to be sexual active without a marriage license, I do not think that she should be killed. Also, I do not think that an innocent girl who is raped and loses her virginity becomes worthless and should be murdered by her family. Arabs put a girl’s worth on her virginity, but that is not all she is, because she has a lot to offer.
I don’t agree that a government law should prohibit consensual sexual relationships. I agree that most non-Arab countries should retreat back to their once conservative views about sex, because sex is not something that should always be taken lightly, especially with the number of women in the United States that are having to raise children as single mothers (many of whom became pregnant in high school).
Hi there, Hala!
My name is Mike Jacobs, and I am a second-year student in Professor Sahar Amer’s Introduction to Arab Cultures class. I am an international student from New Brunswick, Canada; although I cannot represent an ‘American’ view, my perspective as a Canadian should still give you some insight into – more broadly – North American sex culture.
Generally speaking, you are right in your interpretation of the audience’s reaction in that particular episode: to be 43 years old and make public your virginity would in most circumstances elicit a response of shock. Sex culture is very pervasive in North American society, and people are confronted with sex in different media forms from an early age. To make it to 43 and not have experienced sexual intercourse would most likely come as a surprise to anyone, except certain individuals.
This is very much due to sexual intercourse not being highly looked down upon out of wedlock, and because having sex prior to marriage is not forbidden by law in either Canada or the United States. To have sex with a minor (18 in the states; 16 in Canada) is illegal if you are not a consenting minor yourself, but aside from this, sex is a very private experience and not regulated by government. Culturally, pre-marital sex is a less-contentious issue in North America than in the Arab world, or predominantly Islamic societies. Not all, but many people enjoy the freedom to pursue sexual activity – sometime with many people – long before being married, and some parents will provide their daughters and sons with contraceptives (birth control and condoms) to prevent them from procreating. The prevailing sentiment regarding the move to place a girl on birth control or give a boy condoms is that parents can do very little to prevent their children from becoming sexually active, so they desire to educate them and give them the tools to be safe and healthy in their approach to having sex. Birth control and condoms are a part of this safeguard-education process, along with informing girls and boys about the risks associated with sex, including sexually transmitted infections, disease, and emotional burdens.
In response to your questions, no, I would not advocate a heightened regulation of sexual activity for those under the age of 18, and would not advocate much regulation at all beyond laws protecting minors from predators. My opinion on this subject and many other analogous situations is that preparing teenagers to make educated, safe choices is a favourable approach to creating a fear culture surrounding the issue through prohibition. Whether or not I chose to engage in sexual activity, I would feel very threatened living in a country that prohibited pre-marital sex, as I consider freedom of choice to be a paramount right in any modern, global society. This should give you some insight into how I feel about the Arab approach to governing pre-marital sexual relations.
I hope this answered your questions and helps you in your understanding of North American sex culture.
In friendship,
Mike